G.I. Joe: Retaliation YO JOE! or shall we say “Hoo-a”?

Before I get all down in the dumps about this, let me say first – I liked this movie.

Are you a die hard fan of the G.I. Joe franchise and/or Cobra Command? Then you will like G.I. Joe: Retaliation –  AND you will like this movie better than G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, but it’s still going to shake your branches on a few key points- as any movie adaptation of another story will do (read my Oz article for more on this).

NOT EVEN ONE YO JOE!?!?! All we get is some marine-core Hoo-a? I feel cheated. Trust me – I would have chanted a proud and loud YO JOE! had I been given the chance.

C’mon HASBRO! I cheered when you got that wicked cool logo shout out at the start of the movie – so why not have more characters in the movie? You introduced an awesome bucket-list of characters in the last one (Rise of Cobra). Main characters: Duke,  Roadblock, Flint, Lady Jaye, and SURPRISE! General Joe Colton played by action hero Bruce Willis – a BEARDLESS, BALD retired Gen. Joe? ugh. Where’s his greying flattop? It’s ok, Bruce, I forgive you, because at least you were sly and had a bad ass house/armory.

BEST ACTION SCENE OF THE MOVIE? I’m a huge fan of  kung-fu and karate and martial arts (must be my ninja bloodline) and the mountain scene with Snake Eyes and Jinx vs the other ninjas was so cool. I loved the use of ropes and grappling hooks, running on the mountain sides and swinging in mid air in different directions. Gravity is, generally speaking, not my friend so seeing this was simply the coolest.

The movie lends itself less toward hoaky sci-fi action and more toward believable live-action. Dwayne Johnson is a completely believable Roadblock and is so massive and muscly that he could lift a pick up truck if he wanted!  Lady Jaye – your character was ok, but in the comic and in the cartoon, you had shorter hair – sue me for being a girl and dwelling on that little detail. As a kid, I tried to identify with the female Joes and I wasn’t ever going to be a red-head, so Staff Segerent Hart-Burnett was as close as I was going to get. As for Retaliation, I really wanted more romance between her and Flint – I mean, c’mon, you were romantic in the comics, right? Just kiss already! Flint, don’t be a creep. Oh and Lady Jaye, can you leave your daddy issues at home please? This is an action movie, thanks.

SPOILERS AHEAD

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The whole Joe squad (with the exception of 3 Joes) dies in the first 20 minutes of the movie.  WTF!?! Ok, you got my attention – I was looking forward to a whole action movie with that beautiful creature, Channing Tatum as Duke again. Sadly, though, he dies saving Flint’s life. Shrug. Ok. Sigh. Continue with “Retaliation”, ohhhh I get it.

GASP – now they blow up my birthplace- ENGLAND!?!? Whaaaa? It’s an absolutely GORGEOUS scene of London getting nuked. It actually took me by surprise and I was in awe of the magnitude of destruction. I had an interesting  realization on “film writing politics” and why England was chosen over the other countries at the summit, but that’s a whole ‘nother article on films and “feelings” of the American public.

The redemption of Storm Shadow is good story telling. Deep down, I always knew he was a good guy. Plus, If you are reading/have read Cinder or Marissa Meyer’s new  Scarlet (book 2 of the Lunar Chronicles) then you will agree that Byung-hun Lee would make the perfect Prince Kai! Ooh la la. He’s also starring in the upcoming Red2–  click here for the trailer.

Making Lady Jaye a CAPTAIN at the end? GIVE. ME. A. BREAK. was she ever a Captain in the comic? No. Oh, then it must be in the cartoon… NO. Don’t make her a Captain, she’s covert ops. If anything, Roadblock should have taken lead paying homage to his bet with Duke. Pfft.

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Cobra Commander – your voice is wrong! Did you finish puberty in maximum security prison? Where’s your high pitched hissy voice? I miss you.

I still give it… 4 out 5. It’s a fun movie with tons of brutality and no gore. Not enough Joes, but a whole lotta guns. I like.